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How to torture your project manager

If you like your project manager, this is a list of things not to do. Life as a PM is hard as the job is to be in the middle of many people who often don’t have the best communication or relationship skills. This list, which hopefully will make you smile, is inspired by real-life experiences.

1. Never give specific odds or probabilities. Always make ambiguous commitments like “Probably”, “we may be able to do that” or “it’s possible”.
2. Once a week, try to do one of: double the scope, slash the schedule in half, invent a new stakeholder.
3. Break into their schedule spreadsheet at night, and replace all the estimates with random numbers.
4. Demand everything ASAP, instead of when you need it.
5. Agree to a decision. Then the next time it’s mentioned, pretended you have no idea what they are talking about.
6. Take surprise week long vacations.
7. Do not disagree directly. Wait until you are both in the presence of their boss and intensely disagree then.
8. Blame them for everything, but never give them any power.
9. Accept meeting requests immediately, but don’t ever show up.
10. Avoid short phone conversations in favor of obfuscated 20 email long multi-person threads.

Know of others? Funny or real? Or both? Leave a comment.